What a difference a year makes!

Around this time last year, teachers were starting to count down the days till school started, parents were buying school clothes and the necessary supplies, bands and sport teams were practicing and the weather was slowly starting to change. Fall of 2009 was almost in full gear...and I was not.

Back up 3 or 4 months. I had been given the rare and bittersweet opportunity to take the next school year off. Before spring 2009, it was NEVER an option. I mean, financially, no way. Doug and I had always been paycheck-to-paycheck people. Everything was budgeted and we lived to or beyond our means monthly. So to even think about a year off was ridiculous...even after Stephanie died. I needed to have income and insurance. Period.  

Earlier in the school year I had been hospitalized with depression, anxiety, stress, and pure exhaustion. (no surprise I know...but you know me). My school district (Bay Village School System) was a superhero! They provided me with an extra day off every week for therapy and yoga. But, come April and May...one day a week wasn't enough. I was still "lost". So...I took advantage of this available time Stephanie had given me.

Back to August 2009. As everyone else was getting ready for the 2009-2010 school year, I was preparing for my year of Katie. 12 Months ago, I can honestly say I was a completely different person. Tired, out of shape, unhappy, bitter, angry, depressed, and lonely. Not to mention, not an effective teacher (to my standards). Actually, I was at the pool today and I was talking to a teacher-friend about how excited I was to be heading back to school. I had mentioned it had been 12 months and it was time. She responded with..."Katie, it's been longer than that". And she was right. I had stopped being the teacher I was and always wanted to be. I had gone from my mommy pause button to my teacher pause button. I hated that.

Scotty started Kindergarten and Sara was heading to all-day preschool. I had everyday (M-F) from 9-3 to myself. I started with a trainer, had lunch with my girlfriends, shopped, joined a bible study group, visited with a holistic doctor, had psychological therapy 2-4 times a month, shopped, went to coffee, ate lunch with Doug, took my first art class, shopped, continued my hip-hop class, worked in Scotty's classroom, spoke at my first teacher-conference, shopped, scrapbooked, traveled to Montana, NYC, New Orleans, Florida, and North Carolina, started writing a possible book or two, became part of the national ITP Foundation, raised over 19,000 for ITP, starting running, and did I say shopped? I shopped alone, with friends, with Doug, with my kids, online, in stores, and at outlets. It was fun...but no more. 

The last 12 months have proved to be the most important 12 months in my life. And, as hard as it is to admit, I have never been happier, more confident, calm, non-reactionary, focused, and at peace than ever before. I say I hate to admit that because none of it would've happened if it weren't for losing Stephanie. I miss her so much everyday, but yet I know I am a much better person, wife, mother and friend today than I was before losing her. Stephanie is a true gift, and I can honestly say she has made me the woman I am proud to be today.

On lighter note, I have come up with the top 10 reasons every woman needs a year to themselves (i know, impossible, but it's fun to dream isn't it)

10. grocery and target shopping is so much easier alone

9. watching TV you never get to watch

8. love in the afternoon 

7. a good therapist is like crack

6. manis and pedis don't make you feel guilty

5. going to the gym at a reasonable time of the day

4. lunch dates with girlfriends

3. shopping with girlfriends

2. coffee with girlfriends

and the number one reason every working mom deserves ONE year at home alone is...

1. GIRLFRIENDS

I have the most amazing collection of friends. Some I've known since I was 10, some I went to college with, some I met as a teacher and a coach, some I work with, some are spouses of friends, some I met as a parent in Stephanie's class, some I met in dance class, and some God just knew I needed them in my life so He put them there! At any time this year, I could call upon one or more of these amazing people...to vent, cry, laugh, shop, eat or just hang with. And you know what...I was my most honest with them. I no longer tried to mask behind fake perfection. I no longer worried about my "image" in this community, I didn't care as much if people didn't like something about me, and I NO longer let others dictate who I am or would be. These women (and a few men too) have made me realize I am ok for not being perfect, not having it all, not being the best, not always wearing makeup, and not trying to be someone I'm not, just to get some one's approval. The only approval I need is mine and God's. I'm sure Stephanie is helping me along the way with Him too. :)

So now it's Fall 2010. Teachers are counting down the days until school starts (I think I'm the only one wanting the days to go faster) parents are buying clothes and the necessary supplies, bands and sport teams are practicing and the weather is slowly starting to change. It is almost Fall 2010 and I am ready to go! 

Thank God!