December 2009

Well, it has been a long time. Actually, I looked back at my last post and it has been almost exactly six months. To say that I have had a crazy six months is an understantement. The last 19 months, since burying Stephanie, have been a blur, but the last 6 have just been non-stop.

Since my last blog I have moved into a new home, took the school year off, stopped coaching something I LOVED very much, traveled to Montana, NYC, Virginia, and New Orleans, and became a better mom. I know, not very modest right? But, it's true. Doug and I were at the mall today where we had the picture above taken and we were talking about how different our parenting is now.

Do we still make mistakes? Everyday! But, 19 months later, I see a calmness, less stressed approach to our daily lives.

I'll give you an example. I have been known to "like to be in control", or be "a little bossy" at times, and sometimes a "person who likes things done her way because she believes it's the right way"..no really. People have been telling me these things for as long as I can remember...even as a kid. I remember once we were playing outside my dad's house on Debbington and someone (I have no idea who said it because it's true what they say...the words stay with you forever) someone called me a Drill Sargent.
Ok, that's enough...I can hear you laughing!
I guess it is one of the reasons I make a good MS teacher, Right??? But, as a kid growing up...not so much.

Anyway, Stephanie was my first. My "little me"...even down to the name calling. Her teachers at Glenview, lovingly, called her "Julie the cruise director". If you don't get it...you're too young and need to watch Nick at Night and look for the Love Boat! She was a leader in the classroom and a "bossy little thing" when she played. As I watched her get older, I feared for her what I went through. I had no idea how to stop it because I had taken all my "great characteristics" and used them to raise Steph. Controlled her outfits because I was afraid people would laugh at her...or me. When she tried to step out of bounds to try new things, I shot her back into place so she would "remember who was in charge". No questions allowed, and you never seconded guessed mom!  I remember thinking I wanted her to become this amazing, stong, smart, self-conscious child, but then I found myself raising a conformist. Because it was easier, safer, even less noticeable.

So, back to the mall, Doug and I were sitting down to eat lunch with Scotty and Sara and Sara had to use the bathroom. Quickly, (because of course she waited until the last minute) we rushed to the bathroom. She opened the door all by herself, asked to have her "p-ivacy", was all done and had to wash her hands twice. Her way. Everyone waiting smiled and mentioned how cute she was and I just nodded and rolled my eyes...giving the "yeah, but you have NO idea what she can be like" look. 
So, as we skip, yes skip; because we Lufkin women never walk anywhere! Steph used to cartwheel everywhere. Sara, well, she skips and twirls to the table. So, as we skip back to the table I'm smiling watching her. We sit to finish our food when Sara jumps up...and I can't make this stuff up, and starts to wiggle her hips and dance for everyone in the middle of the food court!
You know what, I just smiled. I'll admit I looked around to see people's reactions, but then I stopped myself and realized she's happy. I didn't tell her to sit back down. I didn't tell her no, I didn't ry to calm her down. I just let her dance. She was dancing to her own tune and loving every second of it.

I turned to Doug and I think it finally hit me. 19 months later. I am different. I told Doug how happy I am because one of the greatest things Stephanie left me were the skills to become a better parent. She gave me a do-over button!

PLEASE don't get me wrong, Sara is NOT her replacement. But, one thing I've learned from losing Steph is we can't get her back. It is what it is. And I have found ways to make me feel better about it. I'm trying here. I'm trying to find any silver, gold, pink or purple lining I can. That is what keeps me going each day.

So, today I realized I've changed. Not only as a mother, but as a person. I'm softer, I'm more flexible than ever, I try to listen more, I'm more compassionate, I'm much more patient and I am not nearly as controlling as I used to be. I am trying to let Scott and Sara make more choices on their own, even when I know they'll "not be perfect" or fail. And I'm constantly reminding myself that people aren't worried about me, they are worried about what I think of them...viscious cycle!

Thank you Stephanie, for making me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, teacher, and friend; because of you; I will never be the same! xoxo

Or, as Galinda says to Elphie, "Because I knew you, I've been changed for good"