Tomorrow starts a scary journey for me. April. May. As I look at my calendar for the next 2 months I am beginning to remember last April and May like it was yesterday. I'm not kidding. First, my Rockette banquet is on Sunday and Steph stood next to me at the podium the entire time I was speaking. She danced on the stage, cartwheeled in the hall, and jumped into the arms of some of her favorite babysitters. On Thursday Sarah E. and I are going to go to Bay High's musical. Last year, I took Steph to see Fiddler. She LOVED it of course, and said "when I'm at Bay High can I be in the plays like you mommy"...I'll never forget that. I thought...omg are you kidding; baby you were born to be on stage!!! She would've too.
April 7th is Doug's bday and Steph loved sharing the month with him. We always combined their cakes because they were exactly one week apart. She knew Daddy's birthday came and then next week, on the same day, it was hers. Steph of course had it planned for MONTHS!!!!
Last April we traveled to VA. to visit Kelly for Easter. She found her eggs in her jammies along with 4 boys; she was the Queen! Kelly adored buying her all the girly Easter stuff because, well, she has 3 boys and her life revolves around sports, guns, trucks, and wrestling. Stephie was her pink.
Toward the end of the month, Steph had her very first Gymnastics "competition". I say it that way because they only compete against themselves. She was SO proud!!! Kelly has some of that video, I'll have to post for you to "get it". She was amazing. 3 blue ribbons and 1 red. She was not happy at all about the red one. One day she was hanging them in her room and she was only hanging the blue ones. She told me she didn't know where the red one went. Later...I found it in her garbage can. She had thrown away the red one; LOL, if it wasn't the best...it wasn't worth hanging (she gets that from her dad). :)
Then, Saturday night, May 3rd, she had her best-est friend sleep over (Clare). Sunday, May 4th, she played with her good friend Lauren and came home late after noon with a "scrape" on her leg. By 7:30 pm we were in the ER. 11:30 May 4th transferred to another hospital. Admitted around 12:30-1 am on Monday May 5th. Tuesday, I painted her toe nails and finger nails with MY nail polish. The real kind! The kins that doesn't peel off. For 7 years I was too controlling and never let her use it; but that Tuesday I made her toes and fingers the prettiest color pink!
My dad (Grandpa Tom) came to visit and he bought her a Nintendo DS; This was a big deal. it was the first one in my family b/c I used to be stupidly controlling about them. It was pink. She loved it. Same day her best-est friend and her mommy came to visit too. They laid in her hospital bed, all curled up next to one another playing DS and watching Thumballina. They were EXACTLY the same. Around 10:00 pm I begged Steph to turn off the TV and go to sleep...her response..."daddy let me stay up until 11 last night!" "Well, I'm not daddy and I'm exhausted; turn it off and go to sleep" she was not happy with me.
She never spoke to me again. Literally. That was it, the last thing my baby heard her mommy say to her before...
Nope. I wish tomorrow would never come, and April and May never, ever existed again. Because those 4-5 weeks I will never forget. Never. The good, the bad and the ugly.
14 comments:
stay strong, keep your chin up... thinking of you of you always especially through the next few months! please let me know if you need anything! xoxo Ashley
Katie- I have been following your blog and will be praying for you especially these next two months. God bless you and your family.
Katie, Those memories are very difficult, but try and fouces on the good times you spent. The play, compition and painting her nails. Those memories no one can ever take from you. I cried a tear or two for you girl. Know that I think of you all the time and more right now as you go through thes next two monhs.
Tammy
Katie,
My heart bleeds for you. So difficult to get through these reliving times. I want to let you know you are in our prayers.
In His Name,
Kathleen Craig
Your Stephie knew how much you loved her...I firmly believe that. You can't beat youself up over those last words said. She had many years of you telling her how much she was loved. The family pictures Kelly has posted shows that love so clearly. I'm still praying for your family and I hope your pain eases a bit with each passing day. Cling to each other for support and praise God you have two beautiful children that still cherish and love you for being their Mommy. Sending you hugs from MI.
Oh Katie. I know those thoughts are difficult, but I know how much she loved you. You were being the terrific mom you are. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
- Casey
(((((((((katie))))))))
there continue to be no words to express, nor thoughts that can compare. i'm here for you.
she's leaving a legacy and will always be remembered.
you all continue to be in our prayers. even aaron knows stephanie.
very few of us KNOW really how it must feel for you...we are here doing our best to support you in your pain and nothing feels adequate. I understand about meeting...I knew this would be a hard time of year and have been thinking about it all so much myself. I hope I will get to give you that hug someday....keeping you and Steph in my heart always xoxoxox
Wow...You have affected me in such a way. I hope April and May fly by for you. Hold on tight to your two little ones and let them help you through this very difficult time.
Focus on the ITP walk and put your energy into educating others so that less people suffer the tragedy that you have.
Still thinking of you daily and hoping that Stephie send you some sign to comfort you and get you through this difficult time.
I'm thinking and praying for you.
Betsy
i hope u know one day
that u gave steph
so much comfort
that last night u had together
because u were u
she didn't fall asleep afraid
afraid that something was wrong with her
as many people do
when they r treated differently
u were mom till the end
and she had to have had
so so much comfort in that
actions speak louder than words
and u being mom
let her go to sleep
without a worry in the world
like every other night
learn to see
ALL the gifts u gave her
and continue in her memory
i'm sorry for these
really tough months u r facing
know u have many
to fall on if needed
thinking of u
xoxo rosa
Oh Katie. You know how horrible it is to live through this so I don't need to tell you how it feels. But to watch your sister in so much pain? I just want to make it go away. I wish I could make the pain stop for you. But I can't and I'm just so sorry you have to go through it. YOU WILL make it through. YOU WILL.
I have the videos of the gymnastics. Why don't I put them up in May? If you're ready.
I've stopped in a few times to check in on you and your family. I've read this entry a couple of times now and I just feel compelled to comment on what you said about the last thing Steph heard you say to her. Whenever I read that, I just keep thinking that what your daughter heard from you may have actually been comforting. You spoke to her like a mom - like there were still rules and expectations. She may not have liked that she had to turn off the TV, but that normalcy may have actually helped her to feel a little less scared in the hospital. You were being a mom - a good mom.
After seeing so many pictures of Stephanie on your blog (and Kelly's), it's easy to tell that she was a happy, confident little girl - a true mark of a child that is not only well-loved, but KNEW she was well-loved.
I wish peace and strength on you and your gorgeous family over these next few months.
-Amy
I feel the same way from easter thru the 4th of July , anytime you need to talk just look me up , I am always here for you .,
hugs and butterfly kisses from Maine ,. Penny
I was sent your beautiful daughter's photos and the information on her from the ITP Foundation today. It is because her Fundraiser is coming up. I read everything I could about her....and cried. I have never lost a child and can't even imagine the pain of your family. Have two children myself. But, know closely of some that have. I was also diagnosed with ITP a year ago, almost exactly...as an adult. It is a disease that truly nobody understands or knows about but overwhelming. Exhausting treatment etc. to say the least but nothing like a child being affected. I am so sorry for your loss...and will contribute to the fund for her. She will be in my heart. Hugs from So. Calif., Lynne
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