9 months...really?
"How are you?" How am I? I'm terrible and it just seems to be getting worse.
You know, nine months normally represents an exciting time period in a woman's life. A new baby comes into the world and everyone is happy. There is pain, but it's pain that goes away, and it's worth it; the smell of their little heads, the touch of their tiny fingers and toes, the different cries, the skin-on-skin contact and the unconditional love. Stephanie came into this world kicking and screaming...literally. She was breech and I was in labor so they had to perform a c-section. I always said she wanted to come out dancing. I remember the exact moment they put her little 5 lb body over the screen for me to see her...she dripped on me. Yep, that gross stuff that makes all newborns look like ET, dripped on my face. I started laughing and I think I laughed for 7 years. There was never a single moment in time in our mommy-daughter relationship that was ever the same.
Nine months...I could've had another baby in this time, instead I got my tubes tied. I will never have a replacement child. I can't help it, but that's what it would feel like to me. I had three, now two, I could never go back to three. Too weird. There's another question I hate..."How many children do you have?" it's like someone stabbed me in the heart. I know, there are many ways to answer depending on the relationship. Grocery store employee, waitress, mechanic...Three. New doctor or nurse...three, but one's in heaven. And for people who would be willing to sit and cry with me would get the entire story; but all those people are already in my life.
Nine months...I need to move on. I don't mean about Steph, she'll never leave me, but I mean all the other crap we're going through. I can't walk up my stairs anymore...I need to move. Watching Sara play with all the Princess dress-up...I need to buy some of "her own stuff". Getting up and going to work everyday and missing the milestones with Scotty and Sara...I did that with Steph, and I want to be home now. I want, I don't know what I want, but I know I'm so unhappy right now I need to shake things up.
Just like bringing a new baby into the world. It's been nine months, It's time.
Please God, make the call.
10 comments:
Katie,
I cried with you as I read your blog today. You have grown so much in 9 months, in a way we never expect to grow. You are in my heart all the time. God Bless you my friend, Tammy
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."
Thinking of your family always.
((((katie))))
you are never far from my mind, or my prayers.
just not sure what else to say.
(((((((Katie))))))
I really did stop yesterday and think of you and your family. I would love so much to meet you when I'm visiting my family in Cleveland at end of March to give you a big hug in person. I'll Flickr mail you.
My daughter, Katie, still asks about Stephie. We are all remembering her...even those who never met her. Your family has allowed us to know her through your beautiful pictures and memories. She has been honored in a way so few people ever are.
I wish I could say something to give you comfort, but I know there is none. I can only say you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers....xoxoxoSusan
You've already gotten the Call, Katie. Listen to your heart. God's telling you what to do!
Boy, I held my breath while reading this entry on your blog. Tears ran down my face. I never thought about how the question, "How many children do you have?" could hurt someone. I never thought about how a mom in your situation would answer that. You've opened my eyes, made me wear the shoes for a minute.
I wish I could make it go away for you and not be so.
AmyK811
Know that my heart breaks for you as I read your words. Oh those words I said so many times myself.
You will find your inner peace, your inner strength , you will soon be able to find a way of taking your sadness and turn it into something positive, you will see ...it will happen for you , just as it has for me.
loving you , feel my arms in a big huge hug that someday i will give you in person . xoxoxo Penny
I am alexandria greenberg and i was supposed to have you as a teacher this year. i think sarah o'hare may have introduced me to you but im not sure.i used to play basketball with scotty and nick.please come visit us at BMS.BTW:adorable kids! i love them! Steph was so pretty.i dont know if i ever met her though.i hope to join team stephanie soon.you and your family are in my prayers and i hope you visit BMS soon -Alex P.S.i saw the vid of steph at gymnastics and realized it was GLG,the place i used to take gymnastics! P.S.S.next time you need a sub, please dont let them give you miss.fowler again.she gave my friend a detention for not putting a period at the end of a sentance.
I love you all and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. you are truely inspiring. you've opened my eyes. thank you.-Alex
i know somthing good will happen for you soon.i can feel it. love you all!-Alex
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