What a difference a year makes!

Around this time last year, teachers were starting to count down the days till school started, parents were buying school clothes and the necessary supplies, bands and sport teams were practicing and the weather was slowly starting to change. Fall of 2009 was almost in full gear...and I was not.

Back up 3 or 4 months. I had been given the rare and bittersweet opportunity to take the next school year off. Before spring 2009, it was NEVER an option. I mean, financially, no way. Doug and I had always been paycheck-to-paycheck people. Everything was budgeted and we lived to or beyond our means monthly. So to even think about a year off was ridiculous...even after Stephanie died. I needed to have income and insurance. Period.  

Earlier in the school year I had been hospitalized with depression, anxiety, stress, and pure exhaustion. (no surprise I know...but you know me). My school district (Bay Village School System) was a superhero! They provided me with an extra day off every week for therapy and yoga. But, come April and May...one day a week wasn't enough. I was still "lost". So...I took advantage of this available time Stephanie had given me.

Back to August 2009. As everyone else was getting ready for the 2009-2010 school year, I was preparing for my year of Katie. 12 Months ago, I can honestly say I was a completely different person. Tired, out of shape, unhappy, bitter, angry, depressed, and lonely. Not to mention, not an effective teacher (to my standards). Actually, I was at the pool today and I was talking to a teacher-friend about how excited I was to be heading back to school. I had mentioned it had been 12 months and it was time. She responded with..."Katie, it's been longer than that". And she was right. I had stopped being the teacher I was and always wanted to be. I had gone from my mommy pause button to my teacher pause button. I hated that.

Scotty started Kindergarten and Sara was heading to all-day preschool. I had everyday (M-F) from 9-3 to myself. I started with a trainer, had lunch with my girlfriends, shopped, joined a bible study group, visited with a holistic doctor, had psychological therapy 2-4 times a month, shopped, went to coffee, ate lunch with Doug, took my first art class, shopped, continued my hip-hop class, worked in Scotty's classroom, spoke at my first teacher-conference, shopped, scrapbooked, traveled to Montana, NYC, New Orleans, Florida, and North Carolina, started writing a possible book or two, became part of the national ITP Foundation, raised over 19,000 for ITP, starting running, and did I say shopped? I shopped alone, with friends, with Doug, with my kids, online, in stores, and at outlets. It was fun...but no more. 

The last 12 months have proved to be the most important 12 months in my life. And, as hard as it is to admit, I have never been happier, more confident, calm, non-reactionary, focused, and at peace than ever before. I say I hate to admit that because none of it would've happened if it weren't for losing Stephanie. I miss her so much everyday, but yet I know I am a much better person, wife, mother and friend today than I was before losing her. Stephanie is a true gift, and I can honestly say she has made me the woman I am proud to be today.

On lighter note, I have come up with the top 10 reasons every woman needs a year to themselves (i know, impossible, but it's fun to dream isn't it)

10. grocery and target shopping is so much easier alone

9. watching TV you never get to watch

8. love in the afternoon 

7. a good therapist is like crack

6. manis and pedis don't make you feel guilty

5. going to the gym at a reasonable time of the day

4. lunch dates with girlfriends

3. shopping with girlfriends

2. coffee with girlfriends

and the number one reason every working mom deserves ONE year at home alone is...

1. GIRLFRIENDS

I have the most amazing collection of friends. Some I've known since I was 10, some I went to college with, some I met as a teacher and a coach, some I work with, some are spouses of friends, some I met as a parent in Stephanie's class, some I met in dance class, and some God just knew I needed them in my life so He put them there! At any time this year, I could call upon one or more of these amazing people...to vent, cry, laugh, shop, eat or just hang with. And you know what...I was my most honest with them. I no longer tried to mask behind fake perfection. I no longer worried about my "image" in this community, I didn't care as much if people didn't like something about me, and I NO longer let others dictate who I am or would be. These women (and a few men too) have made me realize I am ok for not being perfect, not having it all, not being the best, not always wearing makeup, and not trying to be someone I'm not, just to get some one's approval. The only approval I need is mine and God's. I'm sure Stephanie is helping me along the way with Him too. :)

So now it's Fall 2010. Teachers are counting down the days until school starts (I think I'm the only one wanting the days to go faster) parents are buying clothes and the necessary supplies, bands and sport teams are practicing and the weather is slowly starting to change. It is almost Fall 2010 and I am ready to go! 

Thank God!

  

December 2009

Well, it has been a long time. Actually, I looked back at my last post and it has been almost exactly six months. To say that I have had a crazy six months is an understantement. The last 19 months, since burying Stephanie, have been a blur, but the last 6 have just been non-stop.

Since my last blog I have moved into a new home, took the school year off, stopped coaching something I LOVED very much, traveled to Montana, NYC, Virginia, and New Orleans, and became a better mom. I know, not very modest right? But, it's true. Doug and I were at the mall today where we had the picture above taken and we were talking about how different our parenting is now.

Do we still make mistakes? Everyday! But, 19 months later, I see a calmness, less stressed approach to our daily lives.

I'll give you an example. I have been known to "like to be in control", or be "a little bossy" at times, and sometimes a "person who likes things done her way because she believes it's the right way"..no really. People have been telling me these things for as long as I can remember...even as a kid. I remember once we were playing outside my dad's house on Debbington and someone (I have no idea who said it because it's true what they say...the words stay with you forever) someone called me a Drill Sargent.
Ok, that's enough...I can hear you laughing!
I guess it is one of the reasons I make a good MS teacher, Right??? But, as a kid growing up...not so much.

Anyway, Stephanie was my first. My "little me"...even down to the name calling. Her teachers at Glenview, lovingly, called her "Julie the cruise director". If you don't get it...you're too young and need to watch Nick at Night and look for the Love Boat! She was a leader in the classroom and a "bossy little thing" when she played. As I watched her get older, I feared for her what I went through. I had no idea how to stop it because I had taken all my "great characteristics" and used them to raise Steph. Controlled her outfits because I was afraid people would laugh at her...or me. When she tried to step out of bounds to try new things, I shot her back into place so she would "remember who was in charge". No questions allowed, and you never seconded guessed mom!  I remember thinking I wanted her to become this amazing, stong, smart, self-conscious child, but then I found myself raising a conformist. Because it was easier, safer, even less noticeable.

So, back to the mall, Doug and I were sitting down to eat lunch with Scotty and Sara and Sara had to use the bathroom. Quickly, (because of course she waited until the last minute) we rushed to the bathroom. She opened the door all by herself, asked to have her "p-ivacy", was all done and had to wash her hands twice. Her way. Everyone waiting smiled and mentioned how cute she was and I just nodded and rolled my eyes...giving the "yeah, but you have NO idea what she can be like" look. 
So, as we skip, yes skip; because we Lufkin women never walk anywhere! Steph used to cartwheel everywhere. Sara, well, she skips and twirls to the table. So, as we skip back to the table I'm smiling watching her. We sit to finish our food when Sara jumps up...and I can't make this stuff up, and starts to wiggle her hips and dance for everyone in the middle of the food court!
You know what, I just smiled. I'll admit I looked around to see people's reactions, but then I stopped myself and realized she's happy. I didn't tell her to sit back down. I didn't tell her no, I didn't ry to calm her down. I just let her dance. She was dancing to her own tune and loving every second of it.

I turned to Doug and I think it finally hit me. 19 months later. I am different. I told Doug how happy I am because one of the greatest things Stephanie left me were the skills to become a better parent. She gave me a do-over button!

PLEASE don't get me wrong, Sara is NOT her replacement. But, one thing I've learned from losing Steph is we can't get her back. It is what it is. And I have found ways to make me feel better about it. I'm trying here. I'm trying to find any silver, gold, pink or purple lining I can. That is what keeps me going each day.

So, today I realized I've changed. Not only as a mother, but as a person. I'm softer, I'm more flexible than ever, I try to listen more, I'm more compassionate, I'm much more patient and I am not nearly as controlling as I used to be. I am trying to let Scott and Sara make more choices on their own, even when I know they'll "not be perfect" or fail. And I'm constantly reminding myself that people aren't worried about me, they are worried about what I think of them...viscious cycle!

Thank you Stephanie, for making me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, teacher, and friend; because of you; I will never be the same! xoxo

Or, as Galinda says to Elphie, "Because I knew you, I've been changed for good"

GLINDA:(spoken)Elphaba, why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle!I hope you're happy!I hope you're happy now!(sung)I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever,I hope you think you're clever!

ELPHABA: (spoken)I hope you're happy!I hope you're happy, too.(sung)I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition.

BOTH:(sung)So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy, right now!

GLINDA: (spoken)Elphie, listen to me! Just, say you're sorry.(sung)You can still be with the Wizard, what you've worked and waited for. You can't have all you ever wanted!

ELPHABA: (spoken)I know.(sung)And I don't want it.(spoken)No,(sung)I can't want it anymore.Something has changed within me.Something is not the same.I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.Too late for second-guessing.Too late to go back to sleep!It's time to trust my instincts.Close my eyes, and leap!It's time to try defying gravity.I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

GLINDA: (sung)Can't I make you understand.You're having delusions of grandeur!

ELPHABA: (sung)I'm through accepting limits,'Cuz someone says they're so!Some things I cannot change,but 'till I try, I'll never know!Too long I've been afraid oflosing love, I guess I've lost!Well, if that's love, it comes at much to high a cost!I'd sooner buy defying gravityKiss me goodbye!I'm defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!(spoken)Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do. Together,(sung)Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.Glinda, things the way we planned 'em.

GLINDA: (sung)If we work in tandem:

BOTH: (sung)There's no fight we cannot win.Just you and I defying gravity!With you and I, defying gravity,

ELPHABA:(sung)They'll never bring us down.(spoken)Well, are you coming?

GLINDA:(sung)I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this.

ELPHABA: (spoken)You too.(sung)I hope it brings you bliss,

BOTH: (sung)I really hope you get it,And you don't live to regret it!I hope you're happy in the end!I hope you're happy, my friend!

ELPHABA: (sung)So if you care to find meLook to the western sky!As someone told me lately:"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"And if I'm flying solo,At least I'm flying free.To those who'd ground me,Take a message back from me:Tell them how I amDefying gravity!I'm flying high,Defying gravity!And soon I'll match them in renown.And nobody in, all of Oz.No Wizard that there is or was.Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA: (sung)I hope you're happy!

ELPHABA: (sung)Bring me down!

MAY 2009

Well, May was full of tears, hugs, celebrations, friends, fundraising, motivation, new friends, new adventures and the beginning, the real beginning, of my new normal. I made it. I did it. And, now I know what I can accomplish and where my passion lies.

After the drama of tryouts for BHS Rockettes, I put my priorities in order and Doug and I were out of here. We kissed the kids, left them with family and traveled to the US Virgin Islands~St. Thomas!!!! It was a treasure. Doug's parents joined us and truly treated us like royalty. We stayed at the Ritz Carlton and were completely spoiled. Skies the color of Steph's eyes, white sandy beaches and an infinity pool you'd die for. Food and drinks delivered to our chairs, and the absolutely most fantastic staff I have EVER encountered. I'm not kidding. They were spectacular. I actually lost track of the dates (which was probably a good thing) but at 3 pm on May 8th, we all lifted our glasses to the sky and thanked Stephanie for changing our lives forever. Coming home was hard, but I found myself needing to see Sara and Scotty...which is a big step for me. I felt ready to come back and be mom again. I can't explain it, but it was a long year.

NONE of this would've been possible without my in-laws and my staff and administration here at BMS...what teacher takes an entire week off in May to "vacation". But, as I've said 1 million times, my team, administration, and school district have been behind me 100% and NOTHING was possible without that support. It will never be forgotten.

Then, after the vacation reality sunk in..but there was a very exciting adventure right around the corner. The Cleveland Marathon. And in the Cleveland Marathon were over 100 people supporting TEAM Stephaine and the ITP Foundation in some capacity. Water-passer-outers (as I called them), volunteers with organization of teams (Thanks Alicia), shirts (thanks Darcy and BTZ~ love you all), collections jars (thanks Beth), constant communication and clarification (thanks Julie), and then the runners and walkers. WOW.

TEAM Stephanie was represented in every category on Sunday. 10k walk, 10k run, 1/2 marathon and full marathon. It was so unbelievable to watch the TEAM Steph shirts cross the finish line. I cried almost at each one supporting me, my baby and ITP. Two dear friends finished the full marathon in under 4 hours...I am so proud of them!!!

Another amazing piece was Kelly and her Klan! :) What an amazing group of people, who truly traveled from all over to meet me, support Kelly, run/walk for ITP and just show their love for Stephanie...a little girl they never even met. This is what the world needs more of. People coming together for a greater cause. Love, support, friendship, and compassion. Imagine a world full of those. I can. I do not believe it is not possible. Thank you Bobby, Jyl, Jill, KellyG, KellyW, Carrie, Michelle, Liz, Elaine...I am thrilled to be part of your "group". Thanks for inviting me in! I love you all.

Tomorrow starts a scary journey for me. April. May. As I look at my calendar for the next 2 months I am beginning to remember last April and May like it was yesterday. I'm not kidding. First, my Rockette banquet is on Sunday and Steph stood next to me at the podium the entire time I was speaking. She danced on the stage, cartwheeled in the hall, and jumped into the arms of some of her favorite babysitters. On Thursday Sarah E. and I are going to go to Bay High's musical. Last year, I took Steph to see Fiddler. She LOVED it of course, and said "when I'm at Bay High can I be in the plays like you mommy"...I'll never forget that. I thought...omg are you kidding; baby you were born to be on stage!!! She would've too.

April 7th is Doug's bday and Steph loved sharing the month with him. We always combined their cakes because they were exactly one week apart. She knew Daddy's birthday came and then next week, on the same day, it was hers. Steph of course had it planned for MONTHS!!!!

Last April we traveled to VA. to visit Kelly for Easter. She found her eggs in her jammies along with 4 boys; she was the Queen! Kelly adored buying her all the girly Easter stuff because, well, she has 3 boys and her life revolves around sports, guns, trucks, and wrestling. Stephie was her pink.

Toward the end of the month, Steph had her very first Gymnastics "competition". I say it that way because they only compete against themselves. She was SO proud!!! Kelly has some of that video, I'll have to post for you to "get it". She was amazing. 3 blue ribbons and 1 red. She was not happy at all about the red one. One day she was hanging them in her room and she was only hanging the blue ones. She told me she didn't know where the red one went. Later...I found it in her garbage can. She had thrown away the red one; LOL, if it wasn't the best...it wasn't worth hanging (she gets that from her dad). :)

Then, Saturday night, May 3rd, she had her best-est friend sleep over (Clare). Sunday, May 4th, she played with her good friend Lauren and came home late after noon with a "scrape" on her leg. By 7:30 pm we were in the ER. 11:30 May 4th transferred to another hospital. Admitted around 12:30-1 am on Monday May 5th. Tuesday, I painted her toe nails and finger nails with MY nail polish. The real kind! The kins that doesn't peel off. For 7 years I was too controlling and never let her use it; but that Tuesday I made her toes and fingers the prettiest color pink!

My dad (Grandpa Tom) came to visit and he bought her a Nintendo DS; This was a big deal. it was the first one in my family b/c I used to be stupidly controlling about them. It was pink. She loved it. Same day her best-est friend and her mommy came to visit too. They laid in her hospital bed, all curled up next to one another playing DS and watching Thumballina. They were EXACTLY the same. Around 10:00 pm I begged Steph to turn off the TV and go to sleep...her response..."daddy let me stay up until 11 last night!" "Well, I'm not daddy and I'm exhausted; turn it off and go to sleep" she was not happy with me.

She never spoke to me again. Literally. That was it, the last thing my baby heard her mommy say to her before...



Nope. I wish tomorrow would never come, and April and May never, ever existed again. Because those 4-5 weeks I will never forget. Never. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I have had a great weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my husband and son. Doug and Scotty have been in FL since Thursday and they come home tomorrow.

I'm thrilled to see them, but I feel as though I have made some sort of break through. Sara and I bonded. We had real mommy and daughter time...just like I used to do with Stephie.
For the last nine and a half months, I wanted nothing to do with shopping, dancing, playing, tickling, reading to, feeding, or anything that involved my kids. My "mommy mode" was on pause.

But, this weekend I did all of those things. And...I loved it. Again.

Now, there are many things I can attribute this to:

• I have an amazing husband who has let me take the last nine months "off"
• My kids knew I loved them everyday...even though I don't feel as though I showed it enough
• I've been in therapy-once a week-since the end of November and I LOVE my therapist
• My new psychiatrist has changed my meds and they really seem to be working
• I have the most amazing friends a woman could EVER ask for
• Someone from my family calls me at least once a day
• I am working a 4 day work week in order to "heal" a little more
• I am dancing again! (thanks Stephanie)
• I am working out and eating better
• And, last but not least, I feel as though I have told my story...finally.

I did. It sucked, it gave me a migraine for two days, I cried for hours, days...again. But, somehow I feel stronger now. Somewhere deep down, I feel as though I may have made a difference. I'm right, damn it! And I screamed it as loud as I could. Then, I went out and drank and laughed with my friends until I cried (again). But this time, I cried because I was genuniely happy for a couple hours.

You know what...I don't feel guilty about that anymore either.

There is not one hour of any day I don't think, remember, imagine, or cry about my Stephanie. But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to walk through the fog a little easier now.

But remember...I have good family, friends and new drugs to help!

February 10, 2009

marks one year since my dear friend Sherri Deal passed away

I was scared to go to school today,

I was nervous about seeing my old students,

I was sad to know she wasn't there...

but then I walked into my classroom

and students from last year

(the year we buried their teacher and my Steph)

had placed cards and a poem

THE poem

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost.

This means more than you can imagine...

1. the kids remembered

2. they surrounded me with love AGAIN

3. they remembered Sherri's favorite poem

4. they used a poem from a book we read last year

and 5. they reminded me how much I love teaching

and teachers DO make a difference.

I am proud to be one of those teachers,

but I am even more proud to have shared six years

teaching side-by-side

with an amazing woman.

I love and miss you Sherri, but you would've been so proud of our kids today!